4 Tips for Creating The Art of Assertiveness
It’s been said that guilt is anger directed at ourselves for what we did or did not do. resentment is anger directed at others for what they did or did not do. And somewhere in-between lies healthy self-esteem where we are respectful of ourselves and the rights of others.
Our two most primitive, negative emotions – fear and anger – take home to raise some very destructive offspring – passivity and aggressiveness. The art of assertiveness is the star pupil of higher socialization. And learning to master these unruly emotions to get our needs met is often the hallmark of the more fully developed human being.
When you are assertive, you can stand up for your opinions, beliefs, and wishes in such a manner so as not to violate the rights of others. Passive people take the path of least resistance, hoping others will figure out their needs and fulfill them. Aggressive people steamroll over the rights of others via the destructive tools of manipulation, anger, and guilt.
When you are assertive, you can stand up for your opinions, beliefs, and wishes in such a manner so as not to violate the rights of others. Passive people take the path of least resistance, hoping others will figure out their needs and fulfill them. Aggressive people steamroll over the How do you know if you’ve been in the presence of one of these people? If you’ve been with a passive person, then you may walk away feeling superior and somewhat pitying of them. An aggressive person will leave you feeling victimized, angry, and resentful. Yet, after an encounter with an assertive person, you feel energized, respected, and positive. What a difference an approach makes!
The bare bones of assertiveness are that you have the fundamental right to express yourself, but not at the expense of trampling on the rights of others. Assertiveness walks the walk of appropriate self-interest, maintains personal integrity, and upholds the rights of the speaker and the receiver. And how can you tell if you’re being assertive, rather than doormat-passive or ham-fisted-aggressive? You feel greater self-esteem, a reduction in stress, and better relations with others.
Tips for Using the Art of Assertiveness
Tips and tools I give my clients to hone assertiveness are simple, and when consistently applied, often very powerful.
- Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements when expressing your emotional response to a situation. Rather than saying, “You made me mad when you were 30 minutes late,” try saying, “When you were 30 minutes late I felt disrespected and angry.” Remember, becoming mad is our choice. Nobody can “make” us feel anything without our choosing to react in such a manner.
- In a non-blaming tone, describe the problem as you see it by staying close to the facts and not second-guessing what the other person was thinking or feeling. Let your goal be to solve the problem rather than trying to adhere blame. And don’t use this as a forum to bring up past arguments and hurts. Stats belong in baseball, not in our relationships.
- If someone is unhappy with you, offer that person eye contact, listen carefully to what is being said, and repeat the gist so they feel “heard.” Often, just the listener understanding the speaker’s point of view can reduce tension.
- Think before speaking! Become clear yourself with what you’re thinking, feeling, and wanting before expressing the problem. Then, have a concrete solution for how you’d like to resolve the problem.
You have rights to your rights! You have the right to. healthy selfishness by putting yourself first sometimes. You have the right to be human and make blunders. You have the right to your own beliefs and opinions. You have the right to say “no.” And, you have the right to feel and express pain without apology or justification.
If you’re seeking help on becoming more assertive or finding ways to manage conflict more effectively, I welcome you to schedule a 15 minute free consult to determine if counseling with Leslie Tourish will be a good fit. Please contact me today to schedule your free introduction.
Leslie Tourish LPC 
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