Banking on the Emotional Bank Account

Deep within us lies an accountant. He rolls up his sleeves, pulls his green visor firmly down upon his brow, and begins to tabulate. Rows and rows of deposits are measured against rows and rows of withdrawals. At the end of each day, he calculates the net revenue against the expenditures to determine one thing: Are we in the black or the red?

Our accountant is composed of our expectations, values, and a sense of right from wrong. Most of this value number-crunching usually happens within our subconscious called the Emotional Bank Account. You know it’s there when you’ve been involved in a relationship or project that is meeting your needs and values. Then you may have feelings of largesse, such as contentment, satisfaction, and pride. If, however, your expectations and beliefs are being disregarded or ignored, feelings of resentment or discouragement may arise.

While such concepts are often intuitive for us, Dr. Stephen Covey, in his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” outlines some of the dynamics within our Emotional Bank Accounts. Essentially, acts that build trust are deposits, and acts that weaken trust are withdrawals. Dr. Covey lists five categories of deposits and withdrawals.

Kindness vs. Unkindness: Kindness includes acts of courtesy, support, and helpfulness. Unkindness means such things as discourtesy, needling, criticizing, and so on.

Keeping Promises vs. Breaking Promises: The relationship between promises and trust is obvious. Promises include commitments of any sort, even commitments that we may consider casual and not to be taken seriously. As we keep our promises, people learn we can be counted on.

Honoring Expectations vs. Violating Expectations: Relationships depend on expectations. When expectations are clear and people observe them, relationships tend to run smoothly. When they are unclear or unmet, we tend to feel uncertain or violated. This deposit category includes both making expectations clear and honoring them. The Emotional Bank Account withdrawal, of course, is the opposite.

Loyalty vs. Duplicity: We are loyal to people when we speak kindly of them. We are guilty of duplicity (being “two-faced”) when we talk about them behind their backs.

Apologies vs. Pride: We all make mistakes. We vary only in how willing we are to admit to them and to make amends. This deposit, which we call an apology, means being willing to admit our mistakes and make up for them. The withdrawal, pride, is maintaining the pretense of perfection and being unaccountable for our errors.

Almost all aspects of our successes, and failures, will have drawn energy from how we choose to treat others, and what values we choose to honor. As the saying goes, “Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, and reap a destiny.”

Finding your Emotional Bank Account empty or realizing your life is full of unbalanced commitment, I welcome you to schedule a 15 minute free consult to determine if counseling with Leslie Tourish will be a good fit. Please contact me today to schedule your free introduction.