Four Rules of a Successful Marriage

Falling in love is like opening a bank account. At first you make large emotional deposits in the relationship by spending a significant amount of time together and learning about each other by asking questions. You think of ways to please your beloved with romantic cards, dinners, massages, and phone calls just to say you’re thinking of them. But as the newness wears off, and the relationship progresses from a courtship to a working relationship, many of those earlier behaviors may diminish, and often dissatisfaction in the relationship begins to shadow the couple. Your emotional bank account, at times, may slip into the red.

Willard F. Harley, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author who has worked in the field of couple’s counseling. He has developed what he believes are the four rules for a successful marriage:

The Rule of Care for a Successful Marriage

The Rule of Care states that you and your spouse fell in love because you both met some of each other’s emotional needs. The only way to stay in love is to keep meeting those needs. Dr. Harley said that even the most neglected relationships can improve dramatically when each person learns their spouse’s values, and the order of importance that their partner places on their values. Then each person can begin to put effort into what truly pleases the other one, thus making deposits into the emotional bank account.

The Rule of Protection for a Successful Marriage

With The Rule of Protection, you learn to avoid becoming the cause of your spouse’s unhappiness. All the gain you’ve created in your relationship can become a wash if you revert to old behaviors that disappoint your spouse. Pay attention to how your everyday behaviors may be distressful to your spouse, and honor the other person’s feelings. Discounting their dislikes of your behavior depletes the emotional bank account and increases feelings of alienation and distrust. Promise to avoid being the cause of each other’s unhappiness and do whatever it takes to overcome those destructive tendencies to protect your spouse. Almost everything you do affects the other one, and you have a choice to increase or decrease the odds of happiness by your actions.

The Rule of Honesty for a Successful Marriage

The Rule of Honesty is about as personal as it gets: you promise to be honest about your feelings, your personal history, your current activities and experiences, and your future plans. All with complete honesty. Now, many therapists and clergy argue that this may do damage to a relationship, especially if it involves a past extramarital affair that may cause your spouse to suffer if they were to find out. Dr. Harley writes, “Self-imposed honesty with your spouse is essential to your marriage’s safety and success. Honesty will not only bring you closer to each other emotionally, it will also prevent the creation of destructive habits that are kept secret from your partner.”

The Rule of Time for a Successful Marriage

The fourth and final rule is The Rule of Time. This rule is what allows the previous three rules to exist. Without time, you will not be able to meet each other’s emotional needs. Time is also an essential element of being honest with each other. It is that ability to give each other your undivided attention that is the essence and lifeblood of a healthy relationship. With time, there are no shortcuts. Dr. Harley writes, “I suggest that you spend time away from children and friends whenever you give each other your undivided attention; use the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment; and schedule at least fifteen hours together each week. When you were dating, you gave each other this kind of attention, and you fell in love.”

If your finding your marriage to need a fine-tune or reminder about these priorities, I welcome you and your spouse or partner into my Dripping Springs, Texas practice to start learning and practicing the Four Rules of a Successful Marriage.