Hidden Anger Resurfaces in Many Ways

Hidden Anger Resurfaces in Many Ways

She was picture-perfect. Her hair was neatly groomed, make-up tastefully applied, and she was dressed to the nines. And she smiled… all the time. The only crack in the facade of her glossy exterior was her right hand that kept curling into a tight, little, angry fist.

Anger Often Starts with Lack of Control

Jane (not her real name), sat with the other patients in the psychiatric hospital where I worked, and she talked about what had brought her into group therapy. She mentioned she was having a hard time adjusting to her children getting older and needling less. She disclosed that her husband was controlling and she was afraid to ask him even basic questions, such as what their financial status was since she wasn’t allowed access to their investments. All the while, she unconsciously curled and uncurled her fist into that little angry ball and never allowed her tight smile to slip or falter.

“What are you angry about?” I asked.

“Angry? I am not angry, I am here to deal with my depression. I have nothing to be angry about… actually I have much to be thankful for,” Jane responded.

“Then why do you smile even when you talk about things that you find painful?” I inquired, noticing that her fist had tightened until her knuckles stood out white as chalk marks.

Her smile faltered and her eyes brimmed with tears. I asked her, “If your anger was water, how high would it fill this room?”

“To the ceiling,” she said so softly I could barely hear.

I probed more by asking, “What color would it be?”

“Dark red with streaks of black,” she said, with just the edge of steel in her voice. At that pint, the real Jane entered the room and she began the vulnerable journey of unpacking the underlying issue of her depression… her anger.

Identifying Symptoms of Hidden Anger

It’s been said that depression is anger spread thin. Non-productive ways of expressing anger are to be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Therefore, people may deal with their anger by either stuffing their feelings (like Jane), spewing their anger at whoever is in their path, or being indirect and misleading rather than expressing their feelings openly.

People who stuff their feelings may have what is called “Hidden Anger.” Warning signs are as follows:

• Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks.
• Perpetual or habitual lateness.
• Sarcasm, cynicism, or flippancy in conversation.
• Frequent sighing.
• Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, and smiling while hurting.
• Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams.
• Over-controlled, monotone speaking voice.
• Excessive Irritability over trifles.
• Clenched jaws or grinding of teeth while sleeping.
• Chronically stiff or sore neck or shoulder muscles.
• Ulcers.

Rationale for Hidden Anger

For every behavior there is a purpose or a benefit. The neurotic rationale of hidden anger are as follows:

Avoid facing your real feelings.

Anger is a natural response to hurt. If you avoid anger, you avoid the underlying emotional injury.

Can feel mistreated and abused.

You can complain about others mistreating you and avoid taking responsibility for yourself.

Get approval from others for being a doormat.

You are a nice person but you give up power by denying anger, resulting in a diminished sense of self and feelings of helplessness.

Avoid responsibility for taking control of your life.

If you avoid expressing anger, you wind up feeling helpless and powerless. This may backfire into assuming the general belief that you cannot affect your life in a direct and meaningful way and you are not able to attain your personal goals.

A quote by Charles R. Brown reads, “The white light streams down to be broken up by those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow. Take your own color in the pattern and be just that.” Perhaps our greatest achievement may be learning to be true to our nature without suppression or aggression. Being able to express our feelings and thoughts, openly and honestly, are the first steps in dropping the mask and letting our true light shine.